Generation Divorce

(04/16/2008)

12:03

Dave:

Hello Everyone--
David Jefferson here, author of this week's cover story, "Splitsville," about how my classmates from Ulysses S. Grant High School, Class of 1982, in L.A.'s San Fernando Valley grew up as part of the "Divorce Generation." The goal of my story was to show how divorce has evolved from something that was a stigma before the 1970s into a common fact of American life. So I'd like to pose this question to my classmates who've joined us online today: When you were kids, how did you feel about talking about your parents' divorce with your friends? Were you open about it. or were you ashamed to talk about it for fear of being "different?"

Wednesday April 16, 2008 12:03 Dave

12:06

[Comment From GuestGuest: ]

I moved to Van Nuys when I was 12 and started Millikan because my Mom remarried a Man whose kids lived in the North Hollywood area. My Mom wanted us kids to introduce our new Step Dad as our Dad because she didn't want us to hurt his feelings. I always pulled my friends aside later and told them that that wasn't my really father. So it was tough. You didn't want to feel diffferent.

Wednesday April 16, 2008 12:06 Guest

12:07

Lisa:

Hi David, It's Lisa (Cohen). My parents legally separated somewhere around 1978 and got around to divorcing in 1981. I don't remember being stimatized by it....many of my friends and neighbors were experiencing the same situtation. My parents were so incmpatible at that point that it seemed a logical next step to my sisters and I for them to separate.

Wednesday April 16, 2008 12:07 Lisa

12:08

[Comment From Mrs.VMrs.V: ]

My parents divorced when I was two so I don't recall any other way of being. I do however recall that I was definitely attracted to friends families where both mom and dad were together.

Wednesday April 16, 2008 12:08 Mrs.V

12:10

[Comment From KimKim: ]

I have to agree with Mrs. V, I always seemed to find best friends/boy friends who parents were together. To add my parents divorced when I was 8.

Wednesday April 16, 2008 12:10 Kim

12:11

[Comment From TonjuTonju: ]

It happened so fast and over a summer vacation. When I left school, my parents were married. When I returned, they were separated. It was very amiable, so it was a little surreal.

Wednesday April 16, 2008 12:11 Tonju

12:12

Dave:

Lisa and Tonju--you two, and Ruth Kreusch, were best of friends when we were at Grant--and your experiences with divorce had something to do with it. Can you talk a little bit about that?

Wednesday April 16, 2008 12:12 Dave

12:12

Lisa:

I do remember hanging around with friends who had married parents and noticing how different their households seemed. Those parents also subsequently divorced. Epidemic!

Wednesday April 16, 2008 12:12 Lisa

12:14

Bonnie P:

To chime in on the "other side" - one with married parents, my high school boyfriend really seemed to feel good being around me because his family life was so fractured.

Wednesday April 16, 2008 12:14 Bonnie P

12:15

Lisa:

We have been discussing it amongst ourselves a lot lately as a result of your article. We were all about having fun, partying and joking at the time but we realize now that we were forming our own surrogate family. We had eachother's backs and our we certainly insulated ourselves against what could have been a very difficult time in our lives. That is probably why our bond remains so tight to this day.

Wednesday April 16, 2008 12:15 Lisa

12:15

Tonju:

I think the divorce brought a lot of family chaos to a difficult situation. Having a stable set of friends probably helped stablize my world a bit plus we were having so much fun. It was Senior year and in my selfish -high- school world that was most important

Wednesday April 16, 2008 12:15 Tonju

12:17

[Comment From Kim G.Kim G.: ]

Senior year was a blast but I couldn't wait to leave my house to be on my own and start college. Speaking of bonds I have 3 siblings and we are extremely close. My Mom got married at 17 to my Dad (hes 7 years older) and had 4 kids by 28 and said she didn't want to reach 30 and still be married to my Dad.

Wednesday April 16, 2008 12:17 Kim G.

12:18

Dave:

Well, Tonju and Lisa, I certainly remember you two and Ruth as our "Charlie's Angels," smart, sassy, sexy and the life of the party! As you grew into adulthood, how has that friendship helped you deal with life's inevitable challenges. For example, Tonju, when you were going thru your own divorce, did you turn to Lisa and Ruth for comfort?

Wednesday April 16, 2008 12:18 Dave

12:20

[Comment From Chris K.Chris K.: ]

With regard to hiding the divorce, my feelings were well represented in the article. I didn't realize that any of my friends - besides Robbie H. - had divorced parents. Maybe if we had been more open about it, I wouldn't have felt so alone in the situation.

Wednesday April 16, 2008 12:20 Chris K.

12:20

Tonju:

I did. I was in shock really. We've always been very supportive and brutally honest with each other. It helped me A Lot!

Wednesday April 16, 2008 12:20 Tonju

12:20

Dave:

Hi Kim G.--Thanks for the comment? What about you and your siblings? Did you all go on to marry? Divorce?

Wednesday April 16, 2008 12:20 Dave

12:21

Dave:

Bonnie, I know you recently went through your own divorce. What sort of help did you get fromn your parents (who just celebrated their 50th anniversary) and friends to help you through it?

Wednesday April 16, 2008 12:21 Dave

12:22

Lisa:

The bond that I have with Ruth and Tonju has served as a touch stone for me. We have periods of time where we don't see eachother or talk for quite a stretch but we always reconnect and kick up the decibel level! I agree with Tonju...I can count on these girls to be totally and brutally honest with me and not let me get away with any pretenses or illusions about myself. But they do it with love....right Tonj??

Wednesday April 16, 2008 12:22 Lisa

12:22

Bonnie:

A lot - so much in fact I can't describe it all here - emotional, just being there for me, listening, giving me advice, letting me come and visit, visiting me, emails, phone calls, cards - you name it!

Wednesday April 16, 2008 12:22 Bonnie

12:22

Tonju:

Right <;

Wednesday April 16, 2008 12:22 Tonju

12:22

[Comment From Jill S.Jill S.: ]

I went to school with all of you, but I was a pion freshman when all of you were "hot" seniors. It was exciting to see all of you on the cover. I was the kid whose parents should have divorced, but didn't. My dad is gay and my folks remained married until my mom's death. Sometimes, in our house, which was a magnet for all of my sister's and my friends, it was like living in a divorced setting - I often wonder if it would have been better for my sibs and I if they had divorced.

Wednesday April 16, 2008 12:22 Jill S.

12:23

[Comment From Kim G.Kim G.: ]

Dave, My Mom always told us kids that we must be independent and never rely on a Man to support us. So she begged us to finish college and have a good job before we married anyone! I have been married for 16 years, another sister for 22 years, another on for 13 years and My brother just got married a few years ago. I alway felt that we all tried to make sure that the ones we married we would never let divorce happen for our children. We fight to keep our marriages togeher so that that the kids wouldn't have to go throught what we did.

Wednesday April 16, 2008 12:23 Kim G.

12:24

Dave:

Hi Chris--

I do remember you as the kid of a divorce, but I must agree that you didn't talk about it much as a kid. Now as an adult, you are happily married--and for 15 years! Tell us a little about what makes for a successful marriage.

Wednesday April 16, 2008 12:24 Dave

12:24

Bonnie:

It is SO important to have social (emotional) support in difficult times like these types of situations - the research shows that even one or two close friends or confidants makes the world of difference in getting through it all and starting to heal.

Wednesday April 16, 2008 12:24 Bonnie

12:25

[Comment From GuestGuest: ]

Do any of you think that your parents should have made more effort to work on and improve their relationships rather than getting divorced? Not that that always works, or that they didn't, but sometimes divorce can be the easy answer.

Wednesday April 16, 2008 12:25 Guest

12:25

Lisa:

Amen to that Bonnie!

Wednesday April 16, 2008 12:25 Lisa

12:25

Dave:

Hi Jill S.--Welcome to the forum, you Lancer freshman you :)

Wednesday April 16, 2008 12:25 Dave

12:25

[Comment From LindaLinda: ]

Enjoyed the article. My parents divorced way before it was even beggining to be fashionable - 1974. I was mortified! It took me a LONG time, well into adulthood to realize that I was not alone and I was okay despite it.

Wednesday April 16, 2008 12:25 Linda

12:26

Chris K.:

My marriage stays strong because we want to make it work. We have ups and downs and we have gone through financial hardships at times (a situation which I believe exacerbates underlying problems). However, I vowed to work on my marriage because I never wanted to have my kids go through the things I did (and my siblings). We bicker and quarrel but we have fun and we always know we are loving each other first. We put the other partner first, not ourselves.

Wednesday April 16, 2008 12:26 Chris K.

12:26

[Comment From Kim G.Kim G.: ]

Chris, I remember being in that class that your Mom taught at Millikan with you and Dave. I remember you being very embarrshed by it. I remember they even had a picture of your Mom in her wedding dress in the year book. I'm sure it was hard for you. Glad to hear that you are doing well in life.

Wednesday April 16, 2008 12:26 Kim G.

12:27

Chris K.:

Kim, Thank you for the comment. We did our best and set my goals to overcome whatever I perceived as obstacles.

Wednesday April 16, 2008 12:27 Chris K.

12:27

[Comment From Jill S.Jill S.: ]

Kim is so right; my mom taught all three girls what NOT to look for in a man - my oldest sister has been married almost 36 years, my middle 21 years, and my hubby and I just celebrated 16. It is not easy. As for therapy, my parents tried that route - but there is only so much Marriage Encounter one couple can do. Chris, tell Mrs. Hannum - MY FAVORITE HISTORY TEACHER, hello. And Dave, Lancer pride, man.

Wednesday April 16, 2008 12:27 Jill S.

12:27

[Comment From Kim G.Kim G.: ]

Also, sorry for the loss of your Mother

Wednesday April 16, 2008 12:27 Kim G.

12:27

Tonju:

I just thank goodness that my parents were civil and we still celebrated holidays together. Of course, there was enough passive aggressive behavior, but generally everyone got along. The civility was truly a gift from my parents. I must also say that my older siblings and younger brother probably have a different story to tell. I have school and good friends to sheild a lot of the reality of what was really going on then I left home for college.

Wednesday April 16, 2008 12:27 Tonju

12:28

Chris K.:

Jill S. - sorry to say that my mom (and my dad) died in 2001. My step father just died two weeks ago as well.

Wednesday April 16, 2008 12:28 Chris K.

12:28

Lisa:

To Guest...my parents stayed together almost 22 years "for the kids". The last few years deteriorated into a lot of anger, distance and tension. I think as parents you model for your children an example of what marriage should look like and that was not it. They tried counseling, marriage encounter, ,you name it. It was time to throw in the towel. They are both happily remarried to spouses with whom they are much more compatible.

Wednesday April 16, 2008 12:28 Lisa

12:28

[Comment From Jill S.Jill S.: ]

Chris, just read from Kim G. I'm so sorry - but know that she remains strong in our memories. I still know all of the United States (where they are located), because of her.

Wednesday April 16, 2008 12:28 Jill S.

12:29

Chris K.:

Lisa - do you think you are better off for them trying to stay together or should they have "thrown in the towel" earlier?

Wednesday April 16, 2008 12:29 Chris K.

12:30

[Comment From Kim G.Kim G.: ]

Lisa, I agree with what you are saying. My parents are much better apart. But growing up my parents always said bad things about the other to each of us kids. It was hard because we wanted to be loyal to both parents but they were always fighting. I'm glad that I had close ties with my siblings or I would of felt all alone.

Wednesday April 16, 2008 12:30 Kim G.

12:31

Chris K.:

Kim G. - my experience was similar. My parents fought at each through the kids, making sure their comments reached the target without having to face it.

Wednesday April 16, 2008 12:31 Chris K.

12:32

Bonnie:

I know from the demise of my own marriage that staying together well (with kids or not) takes a lot of self-awareness and having many good partner skills - commication, romantic, conflict management. It is a lot to deal with when each also has a job to do and then adding children to the mix, it is a LOT to make it all work over years/decades!

Wednesday April 16, 2008 12:32 Bonnie

12:32

[Comment From Kim G.Kim G.: ]

Today, my parents do get along and we can enjoy close family events with out all the friction. I guess they finally grew up.

Wednesday April 16, 2008 12:32 Kim G.

12:32

Lisa:

Chris, I know that my parents were trying to protect us and wait until we were old enough to deal with the separation, in their minds. But the negative environment was palpable and not good for our little psyches, either.

Wednesday April 16, 2008 12:32 Lisa

12:32

Dave:

I know in my own case that my Dad and his ex were probably better off divorced than married (though I'm biased since I would never have been born if he hadn't gone on to marry my mom, with whom he's now been married 47 years). But I also know that his decision caused a lot of pain to my half-sister and brother

Wednesday April 16, 2008 12:32 Dave

12:33

Chris K.:

Lisa - I agree. I don't wish the environment on anyone. I just also disliked the fallout.

Wednesday April 16, 2008 12:33 Chris K.

12:33

[Comment From Jill S.Jill S.: ]

I'm sorry that my my mom didn't get the chance to find love. My dad has been with the same man for 20 years. I don't ever remember any fights in my house - they just didn't communicate. Even though my spouse and I fight, we also make sure that the kids hear us get along, too. We talk to the kids after the arguments - it's a constant job of communication - marriage is hard work - and I think that sometimes, especially after Regan passed that law (thanks for the education, Dave), that it became easy - it's like returning an article of clothing if you don't like it - it's become too easy.

Wednesday April 16, 2008 12:33 Jill S.

12:34

Chris K.:

Kim G. - my parents finally became civil to each about the time of my marriage. And particularly once their were grandchildren. They knew that they had to behave to have visitation rights.

Wednesday April 16, 2008 12:34 Chris K.

12:34

[Comment From Kim G.Kim G.: ]

Exactly Chris! They are good to the grandchildren.

Wednesday April 16, 2008 12:34 Kim G.

12:35

Dave:

Let's talk a little more about kids. How do you think having kids changes a marriage--and the desire to stay married? And what have each of you told your kids about divorce?

Wednesday April 16, 2008 12:35 Dave

12:35

[Comment From DianeDiane: ]

My mother relied on me far too much during the divorce and for years afterward. I was nine at the time, 1972, and became my mother's therapist at that point.

Wednesday April 16, 2008 12:35 Diane

12:36

Lisa:

BTW, Chris...I totally admire and share your commitment to making your own marriage work. My husband is also a child of divorce and we have vowed to work through our issues as they come up and resolve conflicts before they take on a life of their own.

Wednesday April 16, 2008 12:36 Lisa

12:36

Bonnie:

My ex left me b/c he realized that he just wasn't ready (and maybe never will be) to have a child of his own - or at least not together with me.

Wednesday April 16, 2008 12:36 Bonnie

12:37

Dave:

Bonnie, Do you think you might want to raise a child on your own? I know one of our classmates, Deborah Cronin, decided to make that choice.

Wednesday April 16, 2008 12:37 Dave

12:37

Chris K.:

My kids couldn't be shielded from the situation - obviously they visited and were visited by two sets of grandparents. However, my wife's parents are still married after 50 years so they have great examples to follow. We try to avoid arguing in front of the kids but we always make up in front of them if we do let them see us bicker. I think we'll stay together forever, not just for the kids but because we want to. Our kids we see a family work through life's issues.

Wednesday April 16, 2008 12:37 Chris K.

12:38

[Comment From DianeDiane: ]

I had a son when I married my husband. First marriage for me and it has been difficult as he does not communicate well. We just made our ninth anniversary and have worked hard to make this work. My son has had to live with our difficulties but he and I talk about it alot. He thanked me the other day for helping him understand women better.....too funny. But he has seen enough to know that marriage is hard work....esp. when you are trying to make it a good one.

Wednesday April 16, 2008 12:38 Diane

12:39

[Comment From Kim G.Kim G.: ]

I think in my case my husband and I say we willl always be married for the kids. Not to hurt them. Marriage it ALOT of work. I have my doubts at times...we have been marrried for almost 16 years. It hard. My kids have many grand parents so they do know about divorce. I always try to tell my kids who are are parents and we are the remarried grandparents. My hubands parents divorced when he was in his early twenties. They stayed together for the kids sake. All of our parents remarried, my Dad three times.

Wednesday April 16, 2008 12:39 Kim G.

12:39

Bonnie:

In terms of becoming a single mom, it is a thought in the back of my mind as possibly a back-up plan. I never wanted to be a mom without a loving committed companion. So I'm out and about on the dating scene, trying to find love again first (and maybe a man who already has children so I can become a part time stepmom...).

Wednesday April 16, 2008 12:39 Bonnie

12:39

[Comment From Jill S.Jill S.: ]

What a great question, Dave. I became much more committed to my marriage after having our son. My middle brother-in-law divorced and I have watched, with difficulty, it's effects on his children. We stay committed in our marriage because of our children - rather than stay married because of it. I am committed to making it work. Sometimes, we just don't have time for each other - that's where the problem comes in.

Wednesday April 16, 2008 12:39 Jill S.

12:40

[Comment From DianeDiane: ]

I have tried very hard not to rely on him as my mother did to me. Unfortunately, he has very little respect for my husband because of the behaviors he exhibits when he is frustrated.

Wednesday April 16, 2008 12:40 Diane

12:40

[Comment From DianeDiane: ]

I was a single mom for nine and a half years...loved every minute of it.

Wednesday April 16, 2008 12:40 Diane

12:41

[Comment From DanaDana: ]

My parents divorced before I was born, but my dad married 2 more times, mom didn't but had 4 more kids. My childhood was spent in total dishevel. Now that I'm an adult, I understand better the issues that married couples have (I've been married 18 yrs). Marriage is incredibly hard, but doable. It is a sacrifice that in this day and age, many aren't willing to make.

Wednesday April 16, 2008 12:41 Dana

12:41

Dave:

Tonju--I know you wanted to be a mom very much as well. Ever thought of having a kid alone?

Wednesday April 16, 2008 12:41 Dave

12:41

[Comment From Kim G.Kim G.: ]

Bonnie, I hope you can find love again and have the child that you so deserve. Kids are the best! I am very grateful for mine.

Wednesday April 16, 2008 12:41 Kim G.

12:42

Chris K.:

Diane - interesting comment about your son's lack of respect for your husband. We try to model - sometimes, unfortunately we men model bad behavior to our children. I have only two daughters, no sons.

Wednesday April 16, 2008 12:42 Chris K.

12:42

Lisa:

Kids definitely change the dynamic in many ways. I was always puzzled by people separating when their kids are young but that is when the foucs shifts from the two of you to them. You need to be clear in your goals and commitment to your family to shift your priorities at that point. But they certainly are our blessings and everything we do is with them in mind first and foremost.

Wednesday April 16, 2008 12:42 Lisa

12:42

[Comment From Jill S.Jill S.: ]

I have a tremendous amount of respect for the sincle parents out there, but I don't know how you do EVERYTHING - my hubby really helps out with all of the child rearing and house stuff - how do you get two children to two different places by yourself?

Wednesday April 16, 2008 12:42 Jill S.

12:43

Bonnie:

Thanks Kim - dreams are great - and I agree that I shouldn't give up on my hopes of finding love and a family again. I am much more hopeful about my future than the article suggests.

Wednesday April 16, 2008 12:43 Bonnie

12:44

[Comment From Kim G.Kim G.: ]

Yes, Lisa...I think that its the hardest time when they are newborns. But now life is easier for us now that they are 11 and 6. They are much more independent ( go to school longer) it gives my husband and I more time for ourselves which we so need.

Wednesday April 16, 2008 12:44 Kim G.

12:44

Tonju:

Tonju single mom...not on your life hehehe <:

Wednesday April 16, 2008 12:44 Tonju

12:44

[Comment From Jill S.Jill S.: ]

Dave, same question to you - have you and your partner considered having kids?

Wednesday April 16, 2008 12:44 Jill S.

12:44

Lisa:

Move back here Tonju and we can raise them in a commune!

Wednesday April 16, 2008 12:44 Lisa

12:44

[Comment From DianeDiane: ]

I have regrets as I remember when my son was nine and told me that if I "...wanted to get married to P. it was okay with him." That meant so much to me because my son comes first. He really wanted a male figure to look up to and tried to call him "Dad"....but over time it didn't work. I think my son also wanted P. to adopt him, which he never did.

Wednesday April 16, 2008 12:44 Diane

12:44

Tonju:

That's what you say now

Wednesday April 16, 2008 12:44 Tonju

12:45

Dave:

Then we'll just have to find you a hubby on this live chat, Tonju. I'll bet you've been getting all sorts of date offers from guys who saw you in your flag-girl outfit on the cover!

Wednesday April 16, 2008 12:45 Dave

12:45

Tonju:

Lisa you know I'd have spoiled monsters <:

Wednesday April 16, 2008 12:45 Tonju

12:45

Chris K.:

Lisa - I agree. When Carolyn and I married, she was the first of her friends to marry and to have kids. Her friends followed but delayed having children. They asked if they should feel weird not having children and we said that they shouldn't because they needed to get rid of any "selfishness" first before having children. After the kids come, you got to think of them first.

Wednesday April 16, 2008 12:45 Chris K.

12:45

Tonju:

Please!!!

Wednesday April 16, 2008 12:45 Tonju

12:45

Lisa:

Tonju will have to remain Miss Congeniality all of her life. First bad mood and we revoke the title!

Wednesday April 16, 2008 12:45 Lisa

12:46

Bonnie:

Hey Dave - how about a new man for me too?! I want a good man back in my life!

Wednesday April 16, 2008 12:46 Bonnie

12:46

Dave:

Yes, you too Bonnie!

Wednesday April 16, 2008 12:46 Dave

12:46

Tonju:

Yes..one "perverted" colleague did make a comment.

Wednesday April 16, 2008 12:46 Tonju

12:47

Dave:

Don't date the colleague Tonju

Wednesday April 16, 2008 12:47 Dave

12:47

Tonju:

My work colleagues were like YOU " Miss Congeniality"!! I'm nice!

Wednesday April 16, 2008 12:47 Tonju

12:47

[Comment From GuestGuest: ]

Are any of the single ones among you committed to remaining single?

Wednesday April 16, 2008 12:47 Guest

12:47

Tonju:

Men and cheerleader outfits!

Wednesday April 16, 2008 12:47 Tonju

12:48

Chris K.:

There were a lot of good pictures. We all looked so young - I think I was the youngest in the baby picture. But we all looked great 25 years later as well!

Wednesday April 16, 2008 12:48 Chris K.

12:48

[Comment From DianeDiane: ]

I tole my husband that I still feel like a single mom, just one that happens to be married now. It was so much easier being a single mom for 9 plus years....so much easier. I loved every minute of it. I chose to be married but have thought how much easier it would be to have remained single.

Wednesday April 16, 2008 12:48 Diane

12:48

Tonju:

OK I think we digress!

Wednesday April 16, 2008 12:48 Tonju

12:48

[Comment From Kim G.Kim G.: ]

Chris so true! My husband and I had almost 5 years together before we had kids. That time was so crusial for our marriage. We can fall back on that during hard times. The kids are our first priority too.

Wednesday April 16, 2008 12:48 Kim G.

12:48

Bonnie:

I after being in a loved filled relationship with my ex for 13 years, I know how much comfort and support that it can bring, so I want love again in my life even with its difficulties of maintaining it.

Wednesday April 16, 2008 12:48 Bonnie

12:49

Dave:

Okay, back to seriousness. If you could say one thing to your parents about the impact that their divorce had on your lives, what would you say?

Wednesday April 16, 2008 12:49 Dave

12:50

[Comment From DianeDiane: ]

I grew up thinking that the minute something seemed wrong in a marriage....it meant a bomb had gone off. I became scared of problems simmering and that it meant the marriage was over.

Wednesday April 16, 2008 12:50 Diane

12:50

[Comment From Kim G.Kim G.: ]

Selecting a mate!

Wednesday April 16, 2008 12:50 Kim G.

12:50

Chris K.:

You forced "grown-up" situations on me too early in my life and you put too many burdens on me to be "perfect". I wish that you wouldn't have told me so many of those awful secrets - just let me be a kid please!

Wednesday April 16, 2008 12:50 Chris K.

12:51

[Comment From DianeDiane: ]

Made me feel co-dependent when I am not that way naturally. Had to work very hard to reclaim myself in the midst of the problems.

Wednesday April 16, 2008 12:51 Diane

12:51

[Comment From DianeDiane: ]

I agree with Chris also

Wednesday April 16, 2008 12:51 Diane

12:51

Lisa:

Wow...to be totally truthful, I would have to thank my Dad for supporting me and giving myself and my friends a safe haven to conduct our brand of craziness. I know that he tried to compensate for the divorce in many ways (spoiling me, perhaps) but I always felt that he was there for me. And he did try to avoid the ex bashing.

Wednesday April 16, 2008 12:51 Lisa

12:52

[Comment From Damon WDamon W: ]

I would tell my Dad not to give up so easily. He had a lot of stress added on him pretty quickly. A shotgun marriage because of me and then his father, dies mysteriously the day after I am born. He walled up and let his anger and bitterness get the best of him. I saw glimpses growing up, but he's a totally different man now. It's amazing.

Wednesday April 16, 2008 12:52 Damon W

12:52

[Comment From Damon WDamon W: ]

... I think he knows though.

Wednesday April 16, 2008 12:52 Damon W

12:53

Chris K.:

Damon W - good comment. I think my parents simply "gave up". Once they stopped trying to be together, they wanted to "win" the separation.

Wednesday April 16, 2008 12:53 Chris K.

12:53

Tonju:

I think the fantasy bubble I put myself in during my parent's divorce was carried into my own marriage. I didn't ask the important questions. I do commend my parents for remaining civil. It made the entire process a lot easier for us kids.

Wednesday April 16, 2008 12:53 Tonju

12:54

Dave:

Do you feel that you have "forgiven" your parents for their divorce, now that you are adults and see them in a different light?

Wednesday April 16, 2008 12:54 Dave

12:54

[Comment From Damon WDamon W: ]

BTW, loved this article! Thanks for sharing your stories. I saw so many aspects in myself!

Wednesday April 16, 2008 12:54 Damon W

12:54

Bonnie:

My parents are still together, but sometimes when I am around them now, I wish they were not from a selfish perspective. Between old age crankiness and all the bickering from 50+ years of strange interaction patterns, it just gives me a headache sometimes.

Wednesday April 16, 2008 12:54 Bonnie

12:54

Chris K.:

For the divorced classmates looking for partners - would you marry again or just have a long-term relationship?

Wednesday April 16, 2008 12:54 Chris K.

12:55

Tonju:

I wished my mom had worked harder to stay together. My dad was devastated by the divorce. He never remarried and my step-father is almost a carbon copy of my dad. It was good for us, but probably not too good for her.

Wednesday April 16, 2008 12:55 Tonju

12:56

Tonju:

I'd like to get married again. I loved being married. I'm still friends with my ex.

Wednesday April 16, 2008 12:56 Tonju

12:56

Bonnie:

I don't even think about marriage (which I view as a institution). I just want love and commitment and hopefully to co-habitate again one day. First things first (starting with good dating manners :-)).

Wednesday April 16, 2008 12:56 Bonnie

12:56

Chris K.:

I definitely forgave my parents - I had to eulogize each and that point, I realized that they lived the lives that they wanted to, not what I had thought would be ideal for them. My mother's second marriage turned out great, but my dad's third marriage was failing when he died. Maybe some people just shouldn't be married.

Wednesday April 16, 2008 12:56 Chris K.

12:56

[Comment From Kim G.Kim G.: ]

Dave, yes I forgive them. But the divorce changed us in so many ways as people. I do want my parents to be happy. My Mom always told us that she wasn't happy being married to our Dad and that she was too young when she married him that she changed as she go older. She always said that she married our Dad because he was handsome.

Wednesday April 16, 2008 12:56 Kim G.

12:57

Lisa:

Chris, your strength and perspective through all of your losses in impressive and inspiring. I am glad that you have a strong family unit to sustain you.

Wednesday April 16, 2008 12:57 Lisa

12:58

Dave:

Chris and Kim--those are both such excellent observations. I love the way Tonju put it in the story: "My parents were good people, and good people get divorced, too."

Wednesday April 16, 2008 12:58 Dave

12:58

Tonju:

Chris, I'm sorry you lost your parents, too. For all the drama my mom and dad can sometime drum up, I'm very fortunate to still have them.

Wednesday April 16, 2008 12:58 Tonju

12:58

Bonnie:

Yes, Chris you have gone through a lot of loss lately - I'm so sorry for that.

Wednesday April 16, 2008 12:58 Bonnie

12:59

Tonju:

They were good simple people. We have many more choices these days as women and adults.

Wednesday April 16, 2008 12:59 Tonju

12:59

Chris K.:

I also have strong friendships and good memories - such as with all of you - to help me realize there is always more good than bad in my life and with every heartache my heart is filled by others.

Wednesday April 16, 2008 12:59 Chris K.

1:00

[Comment From Damon WDamon W: ]

What still lingers for you guys? I think that independence I had, still lingers. Despite being a husband and father, I still have a hard time realizing that I am not by myself any longer and I have a family of my own to think about. If I am completely honest with myself, that fierce independence sometimes presents itselfas the devil on my shoulder. THe good angels have prevailed, but sometimes I wonder?

Wednesday April 16, 2008 1:00 Damon W

1:00

Bonnie:

I too get by each day by reminding myself about all the great things I have so I don't whine too much (and really, who likes a whiner?).

Wednesday April 16, 2008 1:00 Bonnie

1:01

[Comment From Kim G.Kim G.: ]

Chris well said. I am a believer that all things happen for a reaon. So and bad.

Wednesday April 16, 2008 1:01 Kim G.

1:02

Dave:

Well everybody, that's about all the time we have today--besides, I have to go talk to my shrink after all of this :)
Thanks to everyone for participating. And a big shout out to Lisa, Bonnie, Chris and Tonju for participating in this project.
To all you fellow Lancers out there, I'd love to get back in touch, so please feel free to email me at david.jefferson@newsweek.com
My Best to You All,
David

Wednesday April 16, 2008 1:02 Dave

1:02

Lisa:

Damon, I think many of us fight a regular battle between selfishness and selflessness. I fantasize about my freedoms that I had before the kids, etc. But I wouldn't trade my current situation for some fleeting experience. It is a daily discussion.

Wednesday April 16, 2008 1:02 Lisa

1:02

Bonnie:

Yes, Damon, make good use of your time alone - of which I'm sure you have some.

Wednesday April 16, 2008 1:02 Bonnie

1:03

Bonnie:

Thanks everyone - it was fun and different for me! Bonnie

Wednesday April 16, 2008 1:03 Bonnie

1:03

[Comment From Damon WDamon W: ]

glad to know I'm not alone. thanks guys!!!