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9:00

Megan - This is way more of a Diet Coke than a coffee morning, and it's only Tuesday.

9:02

Pareene - But it's Barrack Hussein Mohammed Soetoro Obama Jr.'s birthday!!

9:04

Megan - Is there a national liquor of Kenya? We should toast to his special day that began a life of secret immigration spy shit intended to end America as we know it.

9:06

Pareene - On this day, in 1961, or maybe 1964, Barack Obama was born in Mombassa, in the Republica of Kenya, which did not exist yet, to Stanley Ann Dunham, and Malcom X.

9:07

Pareene - And who could've known he'd grow up to be the President, someday? Only his GRANDPARENTS, who smuggled him into Hawaii in a crate of Spam, in a secret compartment in the Millenium Falcon, whereupon they marched him to two newspaper offices and bribed them into issuing him certificates of natural-born citizenry.

9:08

Megan - See, that's how you know he really is the Messiah: at the moment of his birth, the entire country of Kenya realized, momentarily, its true destiny.

9:09

Megan - All because they didn't want to have to pay the immigration charges to bring their grandson into this country!

9:10

Pareene - Obama will presumably celebrate by reading 10 letters from real citizens. They will all say "Happy Birthday SOCIALIST FRAUD GO BACK TO INDONESIA BARRY SADDAM OSAMA"

9:12

Pareene - Also -- I know it's your birthday, Mr. President, but 10 letters a day? I'm supposed to be impressed? I read 1,000 crazy emails a day! And non one even screens them!

9:13

Megan - Then he'll probably call the Secret Service and see if he's yet made his daily quota of 33 death threats, flip them off in his head and go eat a traditional Indonesian meal to remind him of his Muslim upbringing.

9:15

Megan - I am, by the way, attempting to get Jason Linkins and/or Spencer Ackerman and/or Dave Weigel to publish or allow me to publish the crazy rants they get from birthers after they write stuff about it as my gift to the President and America

9:15

Pareene - And then... birthday sex?

9:16

Pareene - Hah, I mean for Obama. Not with Jason , Spencer, and David.

9:16

Pareene - I don't think it's ANY of their birthdays today.

9:17

Megan - I mean, if the President asks, you can't say no, right? Isn't that why Governor Huntsman became ambassador to China?

9:17

Megan - Also, BREAKING NEWS: Chuck Norris is a birther!

9:19

Megan -

Chuck Norris knows things normal humans don't know. And apparently one of them is that our President is a Muslim Manchurian Candidate out to destroy this fine Christian nation.

9:20

Pareene - Chuck Norris doesn't believe in racist conspiracy theories, he just thinks all available evidence to the contrary is a pussy.

9:21

Megan - And everyone knows Chuck Norris doesn't like no pussies. Sweet, salty assholes, though...

9:23

Megan - HOLY CRAP Haley Joel Osment?

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