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Crappy Hour with Alex Pareene, August 4, 2009
9:00
Megan
- This is way more of a Diet Coke than a coffee morning, and it's only Tuesday.
9:02
Pareene
- But it's Barrack Hussein Mohammed Soetoro Obama Jr.'s birthday!!
9:04
Megan
- Is there a national liquor of Kenya? We should toast to his special day that began a life of secret immigration spy shit intended to end America as we know it.
9:06
Pareene
- On this day, in 1961, or maybe 1964, Barack Obama was born
in Mombassa,
in the Republica of Kenya, which did not exist yet, to Stanley Ann Dunham, and Malcom X.
9:07
Pareene
- And who could've known he'd grow up to be the President, someday? Only his GRANDPARENTS, who smuggled him into Hawaii in a crate of Spam, in a secret compartment in the Millenium Falcon, whereupon they marched him to two newspaper offices and bribed them into issuing him certificates of natural-born citizenry.
9:08
Megan
- See, that's how you know he really
is
the Messiah: at the moment of his birth, the entire country of Kenya realized, momentarily, its true destiny.
9:09
Megan
- All because they didn't want to have to pay the immigration charges to bring their grandson into this country!
9:10
Pareene
- Obama will presumably celebrate by
reading 10 letters from real citizens
. They will all say "Happy Birthday SOCIALIST FRAUD GO BACK TO INDONESIA BARRY SADDAM OSAMA"
9:12
Pareene
- Also -- I know it's your birthday, Mr. President, but 10 letters a day? I'm supposed to be impressed? I read 1,000 crazy emails a day! And non one even screens them!
9:13
Megan
- Then he'll probably call the Secret Service and see if he's yet made
his daily quota of 33 death threats
, flip them off in his head and go eat a traditional Indonesian meal to remind him of his Muslim upbringing.
9:15
Megan
- I am, by the way, attempting to get Jason Linkins and/or Spencer Ackerman and/or Dave Weigel to publish or allow me to publish the crazy rants they get from birthers after they write stuff about it as my gift to the President and America
9:15
Pareene
- And then... birthday sex?
9:16
Pareene
- Hah, I mean for Obama. Not with Jason , Spencer, and David.
9:16
Pareene
- I don't think it's ANY of their birthdays today.
9:17
Megan
- I mean, if the President asks, you can't say no, right? Isn't that why Governor Huntsman became ambassador to China?
9:17
Megan
- Also, BREAKING NEWS:
Chuck Norris is a birther
!
9:19
Megan
-
Chuck Norris knows things normal humans don't know. And apparently one of them is that our President is a Muslim Manchurian Candidate out to destroy this fine Christian nation.
9:20
Pareene
- Chuck Norris doesn't believe in racist conspiracy theories, he just thinks all available evidence to the contrary is a pussy.
9:21
Megan
- And everyone knows Chuck Norris doesn't like no pussies. Sweet, salty assholes, though...
9:23
Megan
- HOLY CRAP Haley Joel Osment?
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