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Chat With Dan Gottlieb
 
12:00
Dan Gottlieb -  

Hi everyone and welcome to today's web chat. Today we will follow up yesterday's column from "tired daughter" who described her father as being "narcissistic", self-centered and without care or compassion for her. So today we will talk about how we set boundaries and how we are able to navigate the waters in a relationship that feels out of balance.

I am pleased to be joined by Dr. Molly Layton, a psychologist in the Philadelphia area who is well-known and respected nationally. She is also a family therapist and a frequent contributor to the Psychotherapy Networker magazine.

Molly, welcome. In yesterday's column, I suggested the daughters suffering was because she was trying to turn this father into the father she wanted and that she would be happier if she was in a relationship with the father she had. Sounds great theoretically, but do you think this advice is impractical or even naïve?
12:02
Molly Layton -  Actually I think you are addressing one of the fundamental challenges in this life: accepting the actual people in our life. If the "tired daughter" would accept your advice, it would start her on a long path. It would not be the kind of thing where she would say to herself, "Okay, I can do that," and then she'd make the switch.
12:03
Molly Layton -  It is more like setting out for a distant mountain, a hard climb.
 
12:04
Molly Layton -  But the view, ultimately, would be something that otherwise she'd never see. In other words, we don't know how capable we can become in accepting the difficult people in our life.
12:05
Dan Gottlieb -  

Okay Molly if you won't criticize my advice, then I have to!       I've been flooded with e-mails since yesterday's column and although most reported being in an imbalanced relationship, many people said that the advice sounds great but how does one do it?
12:05
Molly Layton -  

Of course the question is: how do we do that.

12:06
Molly Layton -  

It's a quest. For one thing, you have to turn in toward yourself, start observing how reactive you are, what triggers you.

12:07
Dan Gottlieb -  

So, my dear, you are the "expert" , which begs the question: what's the first step?
12:08
Molly Layton -  You might start to wonder why this person's qualities are so....exhausting, maddening, frustrating. It's never just about the person. It's also about -- as you so wisely pointed out -- our own expectations in this life, what we think we are owed, what we think we deserve.
12:09
Dan Gottlieb -  

What about that? Isn't a child owed a kind generous parent, don't we all deserve that?
12:10
Molly Layton -  

We are owed that, but no one has perfect parents, everyone must deal with neglect, slights, deprivations, negative stuff, whether it's big or small. Everyone.

12:11
Dan Gottlieb -  

I'd love to hear from those reading about your relationships. Do you think it's reasonable or realistic to bypass the injustice and "love the one you're with"?
12:11
Molly Layton -  Well, we take all these deprivations and carry them around with us, expecting other people to make it up to us.  
12:13
Molly Layton -  I don't think it's always easy to love the one you're with. Love is always imperfect. That's why I like the metaphor of a path, of setting ourselves heading in a direction. Of being open to something larger than the smallness of our childhood deprivations.
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