COVERITLIVE.COM

8:56

Jason Linkins - Hello, good morning, welcome, to Crappy Hour.

9:00

Megan - I think this morning, we must begin with the obvious: the Wall Street Journal is now confirming that US interrogators have extensively used the Barney song as a torture device at Gitmo. And I thought to myself, wow, what a bunch of weak detainees (and possibly thus obviously not terrorists) who couldn't cope with Barney. Then I listened to it.

9:02

Megan - And I admit: I couldn't listen to it once without grinding the fuck out of my teeth. It even made my roommate's bird fall silent in pain, and my roommate's bird rocks out to "Jizz in My Pants."

9:02

Jason Linkins - Okay. That Barney started automatically playing, at about the same time I was opening up the WEEKLY STANDARD's website, and in truth, I thought the two were connected.

9:03

Megan - That would be a most radical makeover for the Weekly Standard. I'd think Bill Kristol was either tripping balls or had finally let the dark forces inside him ravage his brain. Skull fuck him, even.

9:03

Jason Linkins - Yeah, well, look. I hear that song, and I'm ready to give a ton of false statements to make it stop.

9:04

Megan - So here's a question: what's the craziest thing you'd admit to to make it stop?

9:05

Jason Linkins - I would admit to skull fucking Bill Kristol! "YES, GOD! IT WAS LIKE STICKING MY COCK IN A SPHERE OF CORK BOARD! MAKE IT STOP."

9:11

Jason Linkins - Also torturous, watching Dylan Ratigan on teevee. Aren'y teevee anchors supposed to have some sort of personality? Is it okay to just have a sac of poisoned egg yolk where your heart should be, and no conversational skills whatsoever, to go on the teevee, now? If MORNING JOE is sponsored by Starbucks, then Morning Meeting is sponsored by the half-caff no foam cyniccino. Then you get the black hole that is that Dr. Nancy Cat Fancy Hugh Dancy Pony Prancy show. It's like a black, sucking hole at MSNBC. And I watch this crap and wonder, "Really? Norah O'Donnell can't have her own show?" GAH.

9:11

Megan - I would admit to making out with Kristol's little plaything, Michael Goldfarb, and letting him touch my boobs while the sweet strains of Abba played in the background when very drunk. (I was going to say sucking him off, but not even an interrogator would believe that. And I may have blacked out a couple of times, puked on myself, passed out in the middle of a conversation and even once loudly told an ex he had a small penis, but I've never been drunk enough to blow Michael Goldfarb). I mean:

http://www.appletreeblog.com/wp-content/2009/04/goldfarb.jpg

9:13

Jason Linkins - Oh, man. That's a hell of a thing to admit to. The thought alone is like torture to me. Ugh. Okay, gross. Fine. I AM IN CHARGE OF THE TALIBAN. I'm really sorry about it. It's really just this thing we did in improv class that got WAAAY out of hand.

9:14

Megan - How can you be in charge of the Taliban? My name is Osama bin Laden, motherfucker! You killed my father, prepare to die!

9:17

Jason Linkins - Hey, heard anything fun about Liz Cheney, lately?

9:20

Megan - Dude, when I saw your Tweet last night, my jaw fell open in shock! I thought it was bad enough that Republicans all had to kiss Limbaugh's ring (let alone his brown-rimmed anal sphincter) to get ahead these days, but the new Republican litmus test is support for the birthers? And the former Vice President's daughter is jumping on that gravy train? Like, holy shit, dude, what won't people admit to if they hear the Barney song enough?

9:25

Jason Linkins - I was thinking, of course, "Wow. There goes another political career." And of course, it's hard to find a way to make Sarah Palin's "I AM FIRING MYSELF FROM MY JOB, FOR FREEDOM" speech look sensible. But when you look at it, seriously: can the GOP afford to alienate even THAT tiny portion of the country? You saw that Mike Castle video. There are enough of them to give a decent sounding shout-down on YouTube. Until something changes, losing the Birthers represent too much systemic risk to their electoral hopes.

And that's too bad, because those people are FUCKING CRAZY. The pure products of America, gone batshit fucking INSANE. They are a pitiless and remorseless bleating fungal bloom of unadulterated delusion, and they cannot be appeased.

9:27

Megan - Presumably you saw Dave Weigel on Maddow last night? He fucking killed it.

9:27

Jason Linkins - Yes! And now is about the time that you have to add: MUST CREDIT DAVE WEIGEL. Glory to the Washington Independent.

9:28

Megan - I can't do better than that: he said, they don't care about proof anymore, they just want to believe that Obama isn't eligible, so they reject all reason and evidence that doesn't fit with what they already believe.

9:28

Jason Linkins - Yeah. Well, I have to piss on Lou Dobbs, if you don't mind.

9:30

Megan - If I didn't think he'd like it, I'd piss on Lou Dobbs, too. I'm pretty sure he's so orange because he drinks piss. But, you go ahead.

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