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12:58

Barbara Meltz -

Hi everyone, let's get this parenting chat started. Questions await..

12:58

[Comment From Fredo]
Hi Barbara, My young son (7) was just given eye drops by his eye doctor that dilate his good eye to make his weaker eye work harder and presumably get stronger. The problem is that my son thinks he looks like a freak with one huge pupil and when sunny, one tiny one. He claims everyone laughs at him, which I know is an exaggeration, but I have witnessed some classmates and family members asking him about the big eye. My son seems traumatized by the whole situation. I am trying to decide whether it is more important to follow the eye doctor's prescription and have to deal with son's low self-esteem/image issues or if I should discontinue the drops so he doesn't feel like a freak. We have tried hard to tell him that he is overreacting and that he doesn't look bad at all, but he is convinced that he looks terrible.

1:04

Barbara Meltz -

Hi Fredo, I would not advise changing the doctor's prescription without talking with the doctor first. In the meantime, rather than telling your son that he is overreacting, you'll be much more helpful to him (in the long as well as short run), if you validate that, yeah, this is a pain, and yeah, it does make his eyes look unusual. Just the simple fact of you acknoweledging to him that his judgement isn't totally off and that you "get it" in his eyes, will go a long way to making him feel better. Then you can talk about, well, this is only for x period of time and when it's over...what are the benefits? ETc.. I wonder also if there are any coping mechanisms for him, like wearing sunglasses, or even a patch, would could be very cool. Or would that be a problem rather than a solution? You need to check with the doctor either way. He/she needs to know this is affecting your son's mental health. Surely this is not the first child the doctor has treated in this way,and he may have some good suggestions.

1:04

[Comment From nanny]
Hi Barbara, wanted to get this in early while I still can. My question is about child care transitions. My kids have only ever been to one daycare center (their "whole lives"). They recently announced they will be closing, in June. We checked out other centers but can't find anything we like nearly as much and all are so expensive. In the end we decided to hire a nanny. She is someone from the center, so while only one has been in her classroom, both are familiar with her. We haven't said anything to either child, though the oldest is only 3 - but I am sure she must get a sense of something changing, because as much as we all try, I am sure the topic comes up through the day. We haven't explained anything about having a nanny to the kids, I am sure we'll try to hold out until the time gets closer. Do you have any ideas on how to make this transition as smooth as possible? I know we'll have to get our oldest into a preschool, but my biggest fear is that she'll start to ask to go to daycare. I know she loves it there. We are looking forward to the lifestyle change and also hoping they'll be able to get closer to the neighborhood kids. Thanks for your time.

1:11

Barbara Meltz - Hi nanny, You are wise to not be talking about this with the kids yet; it's way too soon for them to be clued in. Ideally, they only need 4 to 5 days of advance notice, enough time to say goodbye to the daycare center and the friends and the teachers and even the physical aspects of the place: their favorite napping spot, their favorite toy. Whatever. On the other hand, what are the teachers at the center telling them? Or not telling them outright but hinting at with their body language? You need to find out, specifically, how the center will be handling the change, when/what/how they are telling the children. It need not be a traumatic event for them if it's handled in developmentally appropriate ways, which would include, for instance, a "Look how we've grown" kind of goodbye, showing them how they have changed since starting at the center. In the meantime, it would also be nice if the teacher who will be their nanny is able to casually increase her contact with your kids so they will be excited & pleased (I assume they will be anyway) to have her at home. Nothing out of the ordinary, though you could have her babysit at home a few times before the big change. Kids are very adaptable. They will be excited to have a teacher living with them. I bet this will be harder for you than for them!

1:11	[Comment From Eileen] At what age should I child have their first sleep-over without their parents?

1:18

Barbara Meltz - Hey Eileen, for most kids, the first sleepover happens at grandma or grandpa's or some other family member's home. That it happens in a home with which they are familiar, and with people they know and love, makes it a fun event and it serves as a transition to the sleepover at a friend's which is what I presume you are asking about. The typical child is not ready for that until 6 or 7, when he or she has the selfl confidence to know he can cope if something goes wrong (he gets a bad dream), as well having the cognitive ability to carry an image of home in his mind. No child should be coerced into a sleepover, not even by their best friend. Kids with older sibs tend to be ready for this sooner, but sleeping at a friend's is a very intimate thing to do and while it has lots of advantages -- it can seal a friendship, for instance -- let a child back out gracefully at the last moment if she wants to. It's not a big deal. If a child has had a successful exsperiences at grandma's or at a cousin's, that's a good indicator that they can handle a friend's house. By the way, there's a whole sesction on this in my book, "Put yourself in their shoes, understanding how your children see the world."

1:18	[Comment From sandybeach] My son will be attending middle school for 5th grade next year. Any suggestions on how to ease him into this transition?

1:23

Barbara Meltz - Sandybeach, I remember doing a story about this and an 11-year-old told me, "Going into middle school is the hardest of all schools, even high school or college." Of course, she was staring the transition in the eye, so that's the way it felt to her, but, honestly? she's wasn't far off. It's too soon to be talking about this with him now (unless he brings up the subject), but as time gets closer, you absolutely should ask him, "So what do you imagine middle scholl will be like?" Here are the top two issues for most kids: 1. the lockers -- a survey by the national council of middle schools once listed this as the number one issue. Kids imagine themselves forgetting the combination and feeling foolish. If this is a concern of your son's, get a combination lock at home and practice over the summer. Find a reson to get it; don't announce it's so he can practice for school. 2. the bathroom. kids hear horror stories about using the middle school bathroom and unfortunately, some of them are true. Some schools allow a buddy system for 5th or 6th graders, where they always go to the bathroom in pairs or, better yet, where bathrooms are only for 5th & 6th graders. Find out th e school poilicy.

1:23

[Comment From Corncerned Mom]
Hi Barbara, I have a question about separation anxiety. I have an 17 year old son who chose to go to a college 7 hours away even though he doesn't want to be that far from home. He has been to the college and likes it and recognizes that that college has great opportunities for him. I am afraid he is going to have trouble with separation anxiety as he seems very nervous about his choice. He is what I call a "Mama's boy". I had the same problem with this issue when I was younger and it is horrible to go through. What can I do to make this transition easier for him? What can he do to make the transition easier for himself? Thank you? (added: information: he is an identical twin and will also be separated from his brother for the first time as well as his brother chose a different college) Please help!

1:31

Barbara Meltz - Concerned mom, well, as I first read this I was thinking about my son, who chose a college 6 hours (by car) from home and had never been away from home prior to that. I was worried, but he did absolutely fine. I think part of the initial success was that he knew two other freshman. They weren't from his high school, but from our hometown. That made an instance friendship group. But then I got to the part of your email about being a twin and this will be their first separation....!! So, obviously this something that needs to be talked about as a family. At this age, the most you can do is get the issues on the table, and let them come up with the coping mechanisms. You also want to be careful that you are not projecting your concerns onto him, but rather that you hear his concerns and validate them (Yes, it might be hard in the beginning...) rather than poohpoohing them (don't be silly, you'll be fine). I'm guessing the two of them have talked about this alot, more than you may know, and will already have some plans in mind for helping each other. Your job is to help him help himself. Try not to be a helipcopter parent or --worse yeyt -- a snowplow parent who rushes to move problems out of the way before they even happen. You can help him think about coping skills for what-if scenarios, but let him be the one to imagine the scenarios. The fact that he made this decision to go to this school even though it was so far away means he gave it some thought. He had his reasons. Maybe he thinks this is something he needs to do to grow up...!

1:31

[Comment From Wishers]
Hi Barbara - My daughter just turned three last week and we are still trying to potty train her for good. She sometimes asks to go to the potty but most of the time, we try and get her to go. I guess it's safe to say she goes when she is in the mood. If she's not in the mood, we try to get her to go, but she'll fuss and we back off, not wanting her to associate going potty with anything negative.

1:34

Barbara Meltz - Dear Wishers, my advice is to back off completely. Stop asking her, some nagging her and absolutely stop "getting her to go" on. The more you urge her to train, the more it becomes a control issue for her and a source of attention. Kids don't care that it's negative, they just like the attention. When it's on her agenda, it will happen quicker and more painlessly. Tell her simply, "You know, it's your decision about where your pee and poop go, whether they go into a diaper or into the potty. You are the decider. " Then you might ask her in the moring, is today a diaper day or a potty day? And once she makes her decision, don't bring up the issue again. Email me for a column I've written about "late to train" children. She's not really late yet, but I can tell that you feel she is. I'm at bfm801@rcn.com.

1:34	[Comment From Benjisgirl] Does Parenting end once your child is over 21? If not how do we parent?

1:37

Barbara Meltz - Hi Benjisgirl, Uh, no, I don't think so. But maybe you should be asking a parent of 28 year old! The issues change and so does the relationship, but the sense of being a parent doesn't go away. I'm feeling my way on this, too; my son is 21. There's a new book called "Don't bite your tongue, how to foster rewarding relationships with your adult children" by Rujth Nemzoff. I don't agree with everything she says, but the overall theme -- to be involved in your child's life without being pushy or invasive -- is an admirable one.

1:38

[Comment From nanny]
Further to my earlier question. Do you happen to know of children who have made the transition away from daycare to nanny care? Will she really miss all the stimulation? They are only there 4 days now, but when she's home, say she's sick many days, she starts asking to go back to daycare. Imagine, I used to worry that full time daycare would be so hard, now I am worried the other way.

1:41

Barbara Meltz - Nanny, What makes the transition hard for kids is the loss of routines not necessarily the level of activity. The fact that you have a teacher from the daycare center as your nanny will go a long way. She will know the routines your children are used to, for instance, how they transition from one activity to another, or the songs that they sing, or how they help clean up. When it gets close in time, I would talk to her about what routines and activities she can bring from daycare to homecare. That will really help.

1:41

[Comment From Growing Up]
My daughter just turned 11. For the last three years or so, she's voiced concern over growing up and her sadness over not being a 'little girl' anymore. I assure her she'll always be 'my little girl,' that she doesn't need to grow up any faster than she's comfortable with (she's a very responsible-minded person, so I feel that's an ok thing to say), etc. But I feel very badly about how sad she gets -- real grief over her lost little-girlness. We did move to a different state when she was entering K, then we moved back to the same house when she was entering 2nd grade. I wonder if she just feels something was 'lost' back then. If so, I want her to both face her grief but also want to shield her from it! What's the best thing to do?

1:46

Barbara Meltz - Dear Growing up, It sounds to me like you're handling it well, esp telling her that she doesn't need to gorw up any faster than she's ready. At 11, she's probably seeing a wide range of girls in school who are engaging in (or at least talking about) grown-up behaviors that may actually frighten her. One way to cope with this is to start a mom & daughter book group. All you need is one or two other like-minded girls and their moms who meet once a month. It's a way to read books that are age-appropriate and to get topics out in the open. You don't need the book group, of course, just make sure she has a few friends who are where she is developmentally. But don't shy away from the topics that may make her feel uncomfortable, like sex (including oral sex) or cyber bullying, or whatever. Let her know you are able and willing to talk about these things. At the same time, don't allow yourself to infantalize her. What's going on developmentally is that she sees what's ahead for her; part of her wants it and part of her doesn't, and the part that doesn't is wondering, "if I get more grownup, will mom and dad still take care of me." rather than tell her she will always be your "little girl" (which is infantalizing), tell her you will always be her mom. You will always love her and always be ready to help her.

1:46

[Comment From MMD]
Hi My son just turned 6 and is not even remotely night potty trained. He wears pull ups and I haven't even tried to train him because he is such a sound sleeper and the volume he pee's at night is huge. Even when fluids are not given at night. My doctor and I are both in agreement that we just keep letting him wear the pullups and see how the year goes. But I sometimes wonder if I should consider the medication they give for decreasing urine at night? Any thoughts?

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