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12:58

Barbara Meltz -

Hi everyone, let's get this parenting chat started. Questions await..

12:58

[Comment From Fredo]
Hi Barbara, My young son (7) was just given eye drops by his eye doctor that dilate his good eye to make his weaker eye work harder and presumably get stronger. The problem is that my son thinks he looks like a freak with one huge pupil and when sunny, one tiny one. He claims everyone laughs at him, which I know is an exaggeration, but I have witnessed some classmates and family members asking him about the big eye. My son seems traumatized by the whole situation. I am trying to decide whether it is more important to follow the eye doctor's prescription and have to deal with son's low self-esteem/image issues or if I should discontinue the drops so he doesn't feel like a freak. We have tried hard to tell him that he is overreacting and that he doesn't look bad at all, but he is convinced that he looks terrible.

1:04

Barbara Meltz -

Hi Fredo, I would not advise changing the doctor's prescription without talking with the doctor first. In the meantime, rather than telling your son that he is overreacting, you'll be much more helpful to him (in the long as well as short run), if you validate that, yeah, this is a pain, and yeah, it does make his eyes look unusual. Just the simple fact of you acknoweledging to him that his judgement isn't totally off and that you "get it" in his eyes, will go a long way to making him feel better. Then you can talk about, well, this is only for x period of time and when it's over...what are the benefits? ETc.. I wonder also if there are any coping mechanisms for him, like wearing sunglasses, or even a patch, would could be very cool. Or would that be a problem rather than a solution? You need to check with the doctor either way. He/she needs to know this is affecting your son's mental health. Surely this is not the first child the doctor has treated in this way,and he may have some good suggestions.

1:04

[Comment From nanny]
Hi Barbara, wanted to get this in early while I still can. My question is about child care transitions. My kids have only ever been to one daycare center (their "whole lives"). They recently announced they will be closing, in June. We checked out other centers but can't find anything we like nearly as much and all are so expensive. In the end we decided to hire a nanny. She is someone from the center, so while only one has been in her classroom, both are familiar with her. We haven't said anything to either child, though the oldest is only 3 - but I am sure she must get a sense of something changing, because as much as we all try, I am sure the topic comes up through the day. We haven't explained anything about having a nanny to the kids, I am sure we'll try to hold out until the time gets closer. Do you have any ideas on how to make this transition as smooth as possible? I know we'll have to get our oldest into a preschool, but my biggest fear is that she'll start to ask to go to daycare. I know she loves it there. We are looking forward to the lifestyle change and also hoping they'll be able to get closer to the neighborhood kids. Thanks for your time.

1:11

Barbara Meltz - Hi nanny, You are wise to not be talking about this with the kids yet; it's way too soon for them to be clued in. Ideally, they only need 4 to 5 days of advance notice, enough time to say goodbye to the daycare center and the friends and the teachers and even the physical aspects of the place: their favorite napping spot, their favorite toy. Whatever. On the other hand, what are the teachers at the center telling them? Or not telling them outright but hinting at with their body language? You need to find out, specifically, how the center will be handling the change, when/what/how they are telling the children. It need not be a traumatic event for them if it's handled in developmentally appropriate ways, which would include, for instance, a "Look how we've grown" kind of goodbye, showing them how they have changed since starting at the center. In the meantime, it would also be nice if the teacher who will be their nanny is able to casually increase her contact with your kids so they will be excited & pleased (I assume they will be anyway) to have her at home. Nothing out of the ordinary, though you could have her babysit at home a few times before the big change. Kids are very adaptable. They will be excited to have a teacher living with them. I bet this will be harder for you than for them!

1:11	[Comment From Eileen] At what age should I child have their first sleep-over without their parents?

1:18

Barbara Meltz - Hey Eileen, for most kids, the first sleepover happens at grandma or grandpa's or some other family member's home. That it happens in a home with which they are familiar, and with people they know and love, makes it a fun event and it serves as a transition to the sleepover at a friend's which is what I presume you are asking about. The typical child is not ready for that until 6 or 7, when he or she has the selfl confidence to know he can cope if something goes wrong (he gets a bad dream), as well having the cognitive ability to carry an image of home in his mind. No child should be coerced into a sleepover, not even by their best friend. Kids with older sibs tend to be ready for this sooner, but sleeping at a friend's is a very intimate thing to do and while it has lots of advantages -- it can seal a friendship, for instance -- let a child back out gracefully at the last moment if she wants to. It's not a big deal. If a child has had a successful exsperiences at grandma's or at a cousin's, that's a good indicator that they can handle a friend's house. By the way, there's a whole sesction on this in my book, "Put yourself in their shoes, understanding how your children see the world."

1:18	[Comment From sandybeach] My son will be attending middle school for 5th grade next year. Any suggestions on how to ease him into this transition?

1:23

Barbara Meltz - Sandybeach, I remember doing a story about this and an 11-year-old told me, "Going into middle school is the hardest of all schools, even high school or college." Of course, she was staring the transition in the eye, so that's the way it felt to her, but, honestly? she's wasn't far off. It's too soon to be talking about this with him now (unless he brings up the subject), but as time gets closer, you absolutely should ask him, "So what do you imagine middle scholl will be like?" Here are the top two issues for most kids: 1. the lockers -- a survey by the national council of middle schools once listed this as the number one issue. Kids imagine themselves forgetting the combination and feeling foolish. If this is a concern of your son's, get a combination lock at home and practice over the summer. Find a reson to get it; don't announce it's so he can practice for school. 2. the bathroom. kids hear horror stories about using the middle school bathroom and unfortunately, some of them are true. Some schools allow a buddy system for 5th or 6th graders, where they always go to the bathroom in pairs or, better yet, where bathrooms are only for 5th & 6th graders. Find out th e school poilicy.

1:23

[Comment From Corncerned Mom]
Hi Barbara, I have a question about separation anxiety. I have an 17 year old son who chose to go to a college 7 hours away even though he doesn't want to be that far from home. He has been to the college and likes it and recognizes that that college has great opportunities for him. I am afraid he is going to have trouble with separation anxiety as he seems very nervous about his choice. He is what I call a "Mama's boy". I had the same problem with this issue when I was younger and it is horrible to go through. What can I do to make this transition easier for him? What can he do to make the transition easier for himself? Thank you? (added: information: he is an identical twin and will also be separated from his brother for the first time as well as his brother chose a different college) Please help!

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