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8:43

Spencer - I spent my weekend on an Atlantic City food, wine and gambling junket and am now unenthusiastic about my week.

8:44

Megan - That sounds rather more exciting than my weekend, which involved: rain, time with my family; some pizza; a long car ride; and finding a bar that has half price drinks on Sundays from 1-8.

8:46

Megan - Paul McCartney dedicated no songs to me.

8:46

Spencer - It was really like a junket prom. We were picked up in a limousine from my filthy, collapsing house. When we started our food blog with the promise of growing corrupt, we never thought our dreams would come true. It makes up for putting my phone in the laundry on Thursday.

8:49

Megan - The one meal I ate outside of the wedding festivities the one time I've been in Atlantic City was at Denny's. So I'm guessing you ate better. And you didn't drink any birther Kool-Aid, leading you to forge a Kenyan birth certificate.

8:49

Spencer - Anyway, so, on my stuff: if you can't choose between military detention and federal courts, why not get chocolate in the peanut butter?

8:50

Spencer - Yeah, plus I saw Ingrid Hoffman burn rice. Yeah birther birth certificates. This is the best thing for Barack Obama ever. I wish my enemies would disgrace themselves for me.

8:52

Spencer - This is a wonderful quote:

"It is no secret the administration is considering bringing the detainees to the U.S.," said a government official, who asked to remain anonymous because he was not authorized to discuss the internal deliberations.

The subtext being: It's no secret, so of course I can't go on the record with it. Now fuck off and never call me again.

8:53

Megan - I mean, they could at least look up a little history when they try to forge a birth certificate, you know? Goes to show how little they know about Africa, I guess.

So, like, these dudes are too scary to bring into a regular courtroom? That's the part I don't understand...

8:56

Spencer - It's more that the Justice Department doesn't have the evidence to make a compelling case for conviction. Either (a) the initial evidence justifying detention on a battlefield in Afghanistan is insufficient ("I found this guy near a house that served as a weapons cache, so I can detain him") or (b) battlefield evidence got destroyed, which has happened a bunch of times or (c) the detainee was abused, tainting the case.

8:57

Spencer - The administration is trying to figure out how to square the circle while saying it'll err on the side of civilian trials.

8:58

Megan - Well, so we'll be having kangaroo courts. Great. What I guess I'm confused by is the fact that we have to build a special room for our kangaroo courts, so as not to taint the "justice" provided in regular court rooms? Like, an actual pre-existing courtroom is too good for our detainees?

8:59

Spencer - As Muslims, they have superpowers, preventing mere civilian security officers from restraining them.

9:00

Spencer - The issue is more security theater. You want to show that you're treating the detainees as the highest-possible risk to national security, since that risk comes from malnourished 30-somethings. It's bullshit, basically. No one's escaping.

9:02

Megan - Yes, I was thinking that a bunch of hunger-striking, malnourished terrorists could probably be kept in something less than a SuperMax prison and handed a bunch of bologna sandwiches and still manage not to escape. It's good to know it's just a way to bullshit ourselves. I'd hate to have a day when the government wasn't bullshitting me. I'd probably realize the depths of our physical insecurity as a nation.

9:04

Megan - Oh, hey, look, Obama is on Sesame Street! Shiny!

9:05

Spencer - The Obama administration fucked this up so many different ways. Imagine if they had just picked a site to put the detainees into. Two senators would have howled and 98 would have acquiesced. And the administration is too afraid to face the possibility that if the evidence doesn't support a conviction, maybe detainees should be freed.

9:06

Megan - Well, I mean, look at those damn Uighurs! We released them into tropical island paradises and they haven't stopped trying to splash in the ocean and eat ice cream and get on with their lives quietly since.

9:08

Megan - Also: this is what we get for not building any SuperMax prisons on our colonies that lack full Congressional representation. I mean, fuck, what's Saipan or American Samoa gonna do, anyway?

9:09

Spencer - There's a lot of talk about inflated Pentagon statistics on Guantanamo detainees "returning" to the fight, but when you think about it, it's amazing that all of them don't become terrorists/re-become terrorists. You'd think Americans who say they love freedom would understand how being detained without charges for years and years and years, which is itself a form of abuse, is the sort of thing that either makes someone into a terrorist or strengthens his resolve as a terrorist. Ask this guy.

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